guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
