i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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