Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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