I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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