I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
