i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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