The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
