i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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