When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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