she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
