If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
