before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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