you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
