So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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