First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
