a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
