can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
