You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
