he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
