Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
