So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
