Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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