Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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