The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
