had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Randomize
