I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
