george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
