So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
