Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
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