Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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