sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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