Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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