Someone shit on the floor
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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