Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
