I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
