The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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