The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
