I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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