Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Randomize
