So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
