I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
