I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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