Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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