you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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