Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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