Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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