I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
