We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
