Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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