I faked an abortion last night.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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