Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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