You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
